Strategies for Grieving: Finding Healing and Hope Through the Journey
Your worst fear has been realized. If you’re like me, you’re suddenly comprehending that your role as the “child” (or relative, partner or friend) in this relationship will forever be changed - and you are grieving. You grieve for them and for yourself. So in parallel to grieving, how do you respond with empathy and understanding to your loved one’s needs? Here are some strategies and insights that have helped me and other caregivers:
Validate Their Feelings
When your loved one becomes confused or upset, try to validate their emotions rather than correcting them. For instance, if they believe it's 1985 instead of 2025, who cares what year it is? Ask them what was most memorable in that year for them - it reveals a lot of insights and provides some WONDERFUL moments of connection.
Create moments of Joy - for you both
Make the time to be present - to engage in simple activities and doing the things that they like to do and/or that you’ve always enjoyed doing together. While you might experience them differently, they are an act of kindness and love that you will both treasure.
My mom LOVED to travel. Our last trip together was to Scotland, when I had a strong suspicion that she had some form of dementia. We hadn’t had THE TALK yet. She had her own hotel room, near the elevator. So I got really good at getting up and “just happened to be there” when she came out to go to breakfast. If she wanted to go for a walk on her own, I followed her from a distance. While it was a lot of fun to drive through the Scottish countryside together, the fear of her wandering was also enormously stressful. So when we returned, I quietly took her passport away. But I couldn’t take away her love to go places - I just couldn’t do that to her. Her second passion was the beach. So we bought a small bungalow on a less known beach on the New Jersey shore that was affordable and quiet (no boardwalk, no rowdy college kids) so that she’d be safe walking and feel like she had more independence than she actually did. I have wonderful pictures of her big smile - arms outstretched - walking in the waves along the beach. They bring a big smile to my face every time I see one - a gift of time to cherish.
Seek Support
Caregiving can be isolating and exhausting. Reach out to local support groups or online communities where you can share experiences and gather advice from others who understand what you're going through. Your local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association, FaceBook groups, and Senior Centers provide a variety of sources of community. Churches, Synagogues, other worship halls, and local libraries may also have groups or programs. More about this in future offerings!
You may have a large family or a really strong friend network that you can talk to and that is enough to “feed your soul”. In my case, I didn’t know a lot of people going through this and I am an only child. While “me, myself, and I” were always on the same page, it was like talking to an echo chamber. I didn’t want to always be pouring out anger, frustration, and sadness to my friends and immediate family because that drains those relationships as well. So my solution was to put my head down and plow through on my own. I don’t recommend that! Eventually I found camaraderie in one of the Alzheimer’s Association’s support groups and one of those connections founded a group on FaceBook for children of aging parents that was a great place to ask questions. My aunt used to say “You have help coming into this world, and help going out.” And I’d add … you need help in the middle too … so find what works for you and don’t hesitate to ask for what you need!
The Emotional Toll on Caregivers
Being a caregiver for someone with dementia is deeply rewarding but also incredibly taxing—physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. You may feel grief as you watch your loved one lose parts of themselves, while simultaneously feeling guilty for needing breaks yourself. You may feel a high degree of stress and worry about how to juggle it all, and being short of temper with friends and family.
That’s all normal. The important thing is how you manage it . As hard as it is to “fit it in”, remember, taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary for both you and your loved one. If your loved one is living with you, I highly encourage you to schedule regular respite care if possible—whether through family members stepping in or professional services—to recharge your energy.
Caring for someone with dementia is a marathon, not a sprint. Be kind to yourself on this journey. You're doing something extraordinary—caring for someone who needs you more than ever before—and that deserves recognition and compassion from others but most importantly from yourself too.
My grandmother used to say that one sick person can “take down” three healthy people … and she wasn’t wrong! When flying, there is a reason we’re told to put our own oxygen mask on first in the event of an emergency. If you don’t care for yourself, you could unexpectedly end up sick yourself, without support. Planning periodic respites (breaks) ensures a less stressful experience for all!
Final Thoughts
While it is truly heartbreaking to see someone you love struggle with these changes, focusing on what remains rather than what's lost can help you find moments of joy together—sharing a laugh over a favorite memory or enjoying their favorite ice cream flavor together.
Dementia is a complex condition that affects not just the individual diagnosed but their entire care team. As a caregiver, you play an invaluable role in providing love and stability during an uncertain time. By staying informed about the signs and symptoms of dementia, you can ensure your loved one receives the care and support they need while also taking care of yourself.
You're not alone in this journey. Together, we can face the challenges of dementia with compassion, understanding, and hope. Glya Health was started with a commitment to being a “friend in your pocket”, for the duration of this journey. We are honored to share it with you.
In solidarity,
Kate
